I have no friends

Waa, waa, waa.

No, in all seriousness, I have lots of “friends”, you know, the ones that I run into at school or out and about, but I don’t have anyone who would check up on me if I missed like three weeks of church or if I just up and died. I know that sounds horribly sad and it IS.

I was especially aware of this today. I think that maybe it’s coming from the fact that for the first 12 years or so of our marriage, we were so busy just surviving, living hand to mouth, food bank, church charity, you name it, that I got to the point where I was embarrassed to have friends know what was going on. I have held a lot of that shame over, even though we’re so totally past that and are living very comfortably now, but it’s still a very real part of my life. And in all honesty I hope that I never forget how horrible it is to live in poverty. Most people in America don’t have a clue of what real poverty is, but when you have to dig through a dumpster to find food? That’s poverty.

Sometimes I also think that the fact that I’ve chosen a very solitary work occupation – writer – definitely affects me having friends. I correspond with people all day long on my computer, but I go days and days without having a meaningful conversation with anyone other than my husband.

Which brings me to another rambling point. My husband is my best friend. So I’m not totally bereft of human companionship. I just long for the easy friendships that I see so many women have with each other. I have always longed for that.

Lately I’ve also been wondering if I should choose another profession, one that gets me out of the house and interacting with people. I know that I’m sliding into depression again, and that’s a scary place to be – I was horribly depressed for the first five years of our marriage, and I’ve been in and out for the last ten years or so. I tried anti-depression drugs but they don’t really work on me.

I’m now going to hit the Publish button really fast. I don’t regret writing this to you, vast soundless Internet, but it’s sad to me to see these words on the screen. I don’t know how to fix it.

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