Saturday musings

So I was thinking yesterday about why, exactly, it is that I don’t seem to have anybody I can just call up and shoot the breeze with. I don’t have any girlfriends to hang out with, nobody that I go to coffee with, or take walks with, or anything that I see all the other women of my age doing on a daily basis. There seems to be some kind of friend culture that I have been shut out of and I couldn’t figure out why, exactly.

I mean, it’s not because I’m not friendly, I’m not psycho. I’m a great listener; in fact, when people have a crisis I usually get to hear all about it. I’m encouraging, open, warm, all the things you would want in a friend. And yet, I don’t have anyone. Not one person.

I thought that I used to have a friend, until I finally figured out that she was just using me to complain about her husband. Did I waste so much energy on her that now I’m no good for anyone else?

I have to confess: I watch shows like “The L Word” and I’m horrifyingly jealous of the easy way they weave in and out of each other’s lives. I wish I had that. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is my husband, and while he’s a nice guy he is also so opposite of me in pretty much anything that it gets very tiresome, since he loves to debate and I do not (it’s an election year, and that’s all I’m going to say).

So what is it about me that says “don’t bother”? I’ve got a few theories. First, it’s because I’m about 100 pounds overweight. That’s the first time I’ve put that into writing. I am obese. Which leads me into my next theory – because of this fat, I am also tremendously introverted. People, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. I go out of my way to avoid having to talk to people, which, when you read what I already wrote about having no friends, is kind of a “duh” moment, but there it is. Last theory: I’ve got a tremendously obnoxious husband and a kid with special needs that take up a LOT of my energy, and so by the time I’m done with working 60 hours a week and dealing with the two of them, the thought of having to muster up some sparkling conversation quite honestly exhausts me.

So what’s a lonely girl to do? I don’t know. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, although I do have times (like last night) where I do. I’ve become a very solitary person, mostly because of the reasons I’ve mentioned. I know that getting this weight off will free me of a lot of stuff I’ve been hanging on to, it’s just a matter of sticking with something. Food is my drug, it’s my friendship that I don’t have.

Well, one thing at a time, I guess. This post won’t win any awards for being well-written, but it certainly helps to get stuff down on virtual paper.


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2 Responses to “Saturday musings”

  1. roux2 Says:

    Hi, W.

    I came to your blog to read “Who ARE These People?” (and I totally agree with your thoughts there!) and stayed to read some of your other posts. Which brought me to this one.

    You sound as if you’re in sorta the same place that I am. As I was reading I’m thinking “Geez, I could’ve written this myself!”

    I won’t pretend to give advice; Hell, I don’t follow my own advice, so why would anyone else? Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and there’s someone out here in the ‘ether’ who knows just how you feel.

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to drop me a note at my blog (it’s — I killed the roux2 one) and we’ll take it from there. If not, well, I’ll be thinkin’ of ya and wishin’ you the best.
    Roux (3)

  2. momspeaks Says:

    Thanks roux2 – I appreciate your kindness. :>)

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