When I was a kid, every morning at sunrise I would sneak into the kitchen with my brother, grab some cold cereal, and commence to watch a gluttonous orgy of Superfriends, H.R. PufnStuf, ElectraWoman and DynaGirl, Starblazers, etc. These cartoons were Shakespearean epics, yall – they imparted tales of goodness, morality, and general awesomeness. You know what your choices are these days?
- Barnyard: a vapid cartoon about talking cows that are male, but somehow have udders. Confusing.
- Sponge Bob: Admittedly, I love me some Sponge, but they somehow slipped in a joke this morning about peanuts in your poop. PEANUTS IN YOUR POOP.
- My Little Pony: Every time I watch this cartoon, I want to go to the store, gather all the little pink and purple ponies, arrange them in a pleasing pattern, and proceed to set them on fire. After I watch their processed plastic slowly discombobulate, I shall make myself a colorful rain slicker out of the remains. Because I’m crafty like that.
So, yeah. Kids these days have a valid excuse as to why their brains are turning into mush. It’s not public schools, it’s not their parents’ fault, it’s Saturday morning cartoons. Call your senator, ASAP!