Archive for the ‘Crazy Momma’ Category

Brothers and sistahs

February 27, 2009

Hahaha! You know what’s fun? Listening to your three kids go at it like cats and dogs for an hour as they get ready for school. Who needs a vacation when you can go to the Happiest Place on Earth RIGHT HERE AT YOUR HOUSE.

Henry kicked off the morning by telling his sister that Bob the Builder was for babies (it is, but that’s besides the point), and then pinched her but good. She flounced off crying (fake crying) and then proceeded to scream in the bathroom intermittently for about five minutes. A good mother would have jumped up and checked this out but I was busy drinking my coffee and ignoring everyone. Then Henry decided to do his normal strip routine for twenty minutes with an extra added twist: waving his underpants in everyone’s faces. After all of this mess, we finally got them off to school, and now I’m sitting here like a zombie messing with my blog.

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Whoops!

September 2, 2008

Classic AOTC poster 2Image by Doc_Brown via Flickr Well, we had a fantastic, FANTASTIC five days at the beach. I can’t even tell you how much I needed that vacation. I took hundreds of pictures and we made memories that will last a lifetime.

Got back today, with a leisurely afternoon of Star Wars watching planned (we do that when we get back home early during the day from a long break). As we were finishing up Attack of the Clones around 9 PM, I suddenly had a prickly feeling like “did I forget something?”

Lo and behold, I had forgotten just a teensy little detail. I had misread both today’s date AND the first day of school, and guess what? All those times I had told the kinder that they were starting school on Wednesday? Well, not so much. They’re starting school TOMORROW.

They weren’t too happy (understandably) at first, but they quickly came around to it, and were actually flipping out excited within about five minutes, THANK YOU GOD. So school supplies, lunches, snacks, and cute outfits are all ready.

I think we’re good. Even with a severe calendar malfunction.

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Throwing fits in the library

August 20, 2008

So this morning, in a vain attempt to make my kids STOP FIGHTING ALREADY, I decided to take them to our local library where there be free books, free Internet, and free librarians who will give my kids the fish eye if they so much as whisper.

Things were going well – kids were reading Far Side books (Gary Larsen FTW!), I was working, library was quiet.

Until the Psycho Three Year Old arrived.

We’re all familiar with the PTYO. In public places, this tiny but powerful being loves to assert his authority by screaming. Loudly. With gusto. For prolonged periods of time until people (me) start ovulating; misguidedly, but well-meaningly.

What I mean by that previous confusing sentence is this: I walked out of the library to the lobby where the PTYO was pitching a fit the likes of which I haven’t seen since my kids were that age. So, a while. I nicely asked the grandma type if there was “anything I could do to help”, which is polite speak for COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THAT FREAKING KID UP.

After about five minutes of me reassuring her that she was doing the right thing by not giving in to his demands, I offered her my portable syringe of Valium and went my merry way. Yeah, if only – I save that for my OWN kids, not some crazy ankle biter that I just met!

Anyway, he’s quiet now. My work is done.

I think the librarian has some grudging respect for me. She keeps looking over at me with something that looks like respect. But maybe her fish eye is just not all the way up to speed.

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They should totally put this in the flyer

August 15, 2008

So! One thing that they don’t tell you when your child is diagnosed as “special needs” is that there are some things that other kids – normal kids – will do, that your kid will NOT do. Obviously. But some of these things include some stuff that makes you want to throttle your kid. Therapeutically, of course. These activities include:

– Going down the big bouncy slide filled with water in your back yard that is basically made of awesome, yet is feared beyond all reason because it “makes me pee in the middle of the night.” What. The. Frickity. Frack.

– Going to the park because you have to walk up a hill, so you scream like you are William Wallace being disembowled in “Braveheart”.

– Eating something like pork loin and salad because it’s not made of solid sugar and SWEET BABY JEBUS we’ve got to alert the authorities, because obviously, that counts for abuse.

Little things like that. That’s why, when I see moms frazzled with their busy ten year old boys who are darting all over the place like squirrels on crack, I am actually ENVIOUS. Everyone has their own issues, of course, but I would love to see Henry run around and play and not scream about pine needles or the air being too air-y or some such other nonsencial thing that makes sense only to him and drives me to CrazyTown.

Embarrassing confessions of a soccer mom

May 8, 2008

Okay. Here it is. Emma is in her third season of soccer this spring, and is doing quite well. She loves the game and is actually getting pretty dang good!

However, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m turning into one of those crazy, rabid parents that we all vowed we would NEVER emulate. You know what I’m talking about: they yell at the kids to SET IT UP! SET IT UP! and they yell at the ref to GET OUT OF THE WAY! and YOU’RE KIDDING ME! and so on. Last night, I found myself doing this and more; and it was almost like I could see myself doing it yet was powerless to stop. And let’s be totally honest: I didn’t really want to stop. I mean, come on – how many times as a mom do you really get to scream at your kids with little or no guilt attached? Yeah. You’re feeling me now, aren’t you?

An IEP meeting complete with stars and fairydust

May 8, 2008

Today was the semi-annual IEP meeting for Henry and his teachers. IEP stands for Individualized Education Plan, but should really stand for Incredibly Excrutiatingly Long Planning Meeting. So I guess it would be….IELPM? Hmmm.

Anyway, this meeting was actually quite enjoyable, which for those of you out there with kids and an IEP you know how odd that statement sounds. But I’m serious – it was kinda fun. Henry is on track with his plan, and is actually testing right on par for most things, which both thrilled and surprised me. He is just trucking right along, the sweet little stinkhead.

One of the things we looked at was fourth grade. He’s going to pretty much have the same level of support he has now, but he will be allowed to – get this – have an mp3 player for testing. Here’s the deal: I shared with his teacher a couple weeks ago that he concentrates much better with music. So! Now I get to make a mixtape for my ten year old. I’m thinking some Sabbath, a wee bit of NIN, maybe some Ozzy? Oh, I kid, I kid. He’s a John Denver kind of guy.

Bottom line, the meeting went good, Henry is good, and all is well in the world. I even did a little celebratory jig, which was kind of awkward and embarrassing since I realized two seconds after I did such jig that my fly? It was wiiiiide open. Yeah. Way to poke a hole in that bubble of happiness, universe!

I am determined to have a good day today

March 11, 2008

Even though my husband, who is normally Mr. Positive, seems to have entered in the Asshat of the Year contest.

Even though my house is embarrassingly dirty.

Even though the new dog shat all over Asshat of the Year’s car (which kind of explains the asshattery).

Even though I’m still shivering from my hour long walk in the pouring rain this morning.

Know why? Here’s why:

I am listening to great music courtesy of Last.FM; lots of Sarah MacLachlan, Indigo Girls, Fiona Apple, etc.

I’ve got a cat on me. Cozy!

It’s peaceful and quiet.

I’m blessed with a wonderful family.

I saw a rabbit this morning.

Overall, I’m hopeful, happy, and hip to be square. Yay for alliteration!

Good Lord!

February 2, 2008

See, this is why you can’t let me on the webernets:

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It’s the leprechaun’s fault

December 1, 2007

Morning.
By me.

He awakes
Mood! Bad! Watch! Out!
Stomps to table. No waffles? No pancakes? OATMEAL.
Holds head, screams, they are muffled. Then not so much.
Cat, he hides. Dog, he hides too. Animals know these things.

Morning, Part Two.
By moi.

Something Smells!
Bad!
Smells Like Burning!
Smoke Alarm! It’s On! Loud!
Oatmeal! Burning!

Morning, Part Three.
By you-know-who.

SOMEONE is hiding in the bathroom. Is this a good idea? Yes?
Frenzied hands scrabble underneath the door. They want breakfast.
Oatmeal! Down garbage disposal!
We shall have Lucky Charms instead.

It's the leprechaun's fault

December 1, 2007

Morning.
By me.

He awakes
Mood! Bad! Watch! Out!
Stomps to table. No waffles? No pancakes? OATMEAL.
Holds head, screams, they are muffled. Then not so much.
Cat, he hides. Dog, he hides too. Animals know these things.

Morning, Part Two.
By moi.

Something Smells!
Bad!
Smells Like Burning!
Smoke Alarm! It’s On! Loud!
Oatmeal! Burning!

Morning, Part Three.
By you-know-who.

SOMEONE is hiding in the bathroom. Is this a good idea? Yes?
Frenzied hands scrabble underneath the door. They want breakfast.
Oatmeal! Down garbage disposal!
We shall have Lucky Charms instead.