Archive for the ‘Somewhat Lucid Momma’ Category

Can’t help but wonder

August 26, 2008

We found a great old home video of me from highschool last night, that I and some of my best friends from youth group put together. It got me thinking: other than a new hairdo (and about 50 pounds, oy vey), my outlook on life hasn’t changed that much.

Here’s an example. I remember looking at my mom and stepdad, and promising myself that I would never, NEVER, let my marriage or any relationship be as sick and dysfunctional as theirs was. Instead, I would take as my model my Nana and Papa, who were married for 53 joyous years when he died in the arms of his bride from Lou Gehrig’s disease.

After being married for almost 17 years to my highschool sweetheart, we’re still going strong. Still find stuff to talk about, still laugh all the time (that’s one thing that I tell my daughter about finding a husband, you’ve gotta find someone that makes you laugh!), and we’re looking forward to the next 50 years. It’s not perfect, we’re not perfect, but we’re committed.

However, this last couple of years we’ve seen one couple after the other in our circle of friends topple.

One man who was away on business all the time cheated on his wife with the woman he’s now married to. Their kids think that Daddy abandoned them, and nothing he says otherwise can convince them.

Another couple let something fester for so long that it ended up imploding. Now their lives are shattered, and it’s got quite the ripple effect.

How do we react to this? I find myself wanting to reassure myself of my husband’s presence constantly. I need to be close to him, physically and emotionally. And he does the same. We know that “there but for the grace of God go I“.

Marriage is hard. HARD. And we’ve gone through a lot: financial problems, major medical issues, family rifts, etc. We expect to go through more. But I can’t give up. I won’t give up. It’s just not an option.

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Can't help but wonder

August 26, 2008

We found a great old home video of me from highschool last night, that I and some of my best friends from youth group put together. It got me thinking: other than a new hairdo (and about 50 pounds, oy vey), my outlook on life hasn’t changed that much.

Here’s an example. I remember looking at my mom and stepdad, and promising myself that I would never, NEVER, let my marriage or any relationship be as sick and dysfunctional as theirs was. Instead, I would take as my model my Nana and Papa, who were married for 53 joyous years when he died in the arms of his bride from Lou Gehrig’s disease.

After being married for almost 17 years to my highschool sweetheart, we’re still going strong. Still find stuff to talk about, still laugh all the time (that’s one thing that I tell my daughter about finding a husband, you’ve gotta find someone that makes you laugh!), and we’re looking forward to the next 50 years. It’s not perfect, we’re not perfect, but we’re committed.

However, this last couple of years we’ve seen one couple after the other in our circle of friends topple.

One man who was away on business all the time cheated on his wife with the woman he’s now married to. Their kids think that Daddy abandoned them, and nothing he says otherwise can convince them.

Another couple let something fester for so long that it ended up imploding. Now their lives are shattered, and it’s got quite the ripple effect.

How do we react to this? I find myself wanting to reassure myself of my husband’s presence constantly. I need to be close to him, physically and emotionally. And he does the same. We know that “there but for the grace of God go I“.

Marriage is hard. HARD. And we’ve gone through a lot: financial problems, major medical issues, family rifts, etc. We expect to go through more. But I can’t give up. I won’t give up. It’s just not an option.

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Invisible.

August 12, 2008

Last night I had one of those dreams that are so real, you wake up and think it really happened. It was the first day of school, and I was walking the kids to their classrooms (which I couldn’t find, of course!). I saw a lot of moms that I knew, and said “hi” to them all. In every single instance, they either ignored me or looked right through me. I repeated myself; one mom grudgingly said “hi” back like it pained her to do so, another threw a quick “hi” at me and then hurried away, etc.

It was (obviously) not a fun dream, mostly because it’s somewhat rooted in reality. I don’t know what it is about me that causes people to overlook me……it’s hurtful, sure, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m pretty used to it. I can be walking right towards a group of people, say hi to every one of them, and won’t be acknowledged. When I talk to people one on one, I watch as their eyes start flicking around to see if there’s anyone else more interesting to talk to than me. If I dare to bring up something that’s important to me, eyes glaze over and excuses are quickly made.

Now, it might sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself….and well, I guess I sort of am! I just am trying to figure this all out.

Mother's day musings

May 12, 2008

Since we had THREE baseball games yesterday (oy!), I had a lot of time to think about Mother’s Day and how it has changed for me over the years.

Obviously, when you’re a little kid, the number one thing you can do for your mom on MD is to make her something special. And that’s what my three kiddos did. In fact, I was bawling my eyes out before 7:30 AM, which both concerned and thrilled them at the same time. The thing that did it for me was my 13 year old’s illustrated poem; we’ve had kind of a tough year with him so that meant so much to me.

Then, at the baseball game, this kid was on FIYAH. He hit two doubles, masterminded a double play, and ended up being one of the most valuable players of the tournament. In between the games, the team stood up one by one and did a verbal tribute to their moms. I swear to God, there wasn’t a dry eye on the field. These big ol’ strapping boys telling their moms how much they love ’em was just over the TOP for this girl. Then hugs and kisses all day from all three rugrats – man, it was awesome.

Then came time for the obligatory call to my mom. I love my mom. I really do. She’s just hard to talk to. And that’s okay. We chatted for a little while, I updated her on the kids, thanked her for the card she sent me. It was nice. Most of our phone calls revolve around her telling me how wonderful my brothers are and what they’re doing….she still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I got married and moved away and I’m NOT moving back. It’s hard for her, I know, and I try to be patient.

The whole Mom thing is weird. My relationship with my Mom? It is what it is. I know that she is very limited in her ability to have relationships with other folks, and so I need to take that into account, and just be thankful for what we have. And I really, really, am.

Mother’s day musings

May 12, 2008

Since we had THREE baseball games yesterday (oy!), I had a lot of time to think about Mother’s Day and how it has changed for me over the years.

Obviously, when you’re a little kid, the number one thing you can do for your mom on MD is to make her something special. And that’s what my three kiddos did. In fact, I was bawling my eyes out before 7:30 AM, which both concerned and thrilled them at the same time. The thing that did it for me was my 13 year old’s illustrated poem; we’ve had kind of a tough year with him so that meant so much to me.

Then, at the baseball game, this kid was on FIYAH. He hit two doubles, masterminded a double play, and ended up being one of the most valuable players of the tournament. In between the games, the team stood up one by one and did a verbal tribute to their moms. I swear to God, there wasn’t a dry eye on the field. These big ol’ strapping boys telling their moms how much they love ’em was just over the TOP for this girl. Then hugs and kisses all day from all three rugrats – man, it was awesome.

Then came time for the obligatory call to my mom. I love my mom. I really do. She’s just hard to talk to. And that’s okay. We chatted for a little while, I updated her on the kids, thanked her for the card she sent me. It was nice. Most of our phone calls revolve around her telling me how wonderful my brothers are and what they’re doing….she still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I got married and moved away and I’m NOT moving back. It’s hard for her, I know, and I try to be patient.

The whole Mom thing is weird. My relationship with my Mom? It is what it is. I know that she is very limited in her ability to have relationships with other folks, and so I need to take that into account, and just be thankful for what we have. And I really, really, am.

Pros and cons of working from home.

April 29, 2008

Pros!

You get to snuggle in your Nana’s afghan that she made for you when you were 12 from your favorite colors at the time: yellow, purple, and oh yes! More purple.

You get to drink a LOT OF COFFEE.

You can go to the bathroom whenever you want (see above).

You can watch your complete DVD set of “Sex and the City” while you are typing very serious things about technology and Web 2.0.

Cons!

All those candy bars? That are in the cupboard? Uh huh.

You talk to your cats. A lot. Hello, kitties!

You kind of entertain the thought of napping way too much. Because, you know, YOU TOTALLY CAN.

Random thoughts

April 10, 2008

– Boys with horrible hacky coughs and fever STILL can play five hours straight of Paper Mario.
– My yard is currently being destroyed by husband and two friends. It will look very nice when it’s all done, but now, it’s a giant dirt pile with my poor uprooted plants all toes up. I can almost hear them screaming. Well, not really, that would be creepy.
– I can’t wait to get another mani/pedi, and in fact, I’m kind of chipping my nails ON PURPOSE to speed up this event.
– I’m concerned about some of my work projects.
– My house is messy.
– So is my car.
– My car is being blocked by aforementioned two friends’ big honkin’ white truck.
– I need my car to go pick up kids at school.
– I probably should brush my teeth before I do this.
– Would gum be okay as a substitute?

Guess what happens when you say "I haven't gotten sick yet this year!"

April 10, 2008

That’s right! YOU GET SICK.

Although I haven’t gotten it as bad as Henry, who after a full week of coughing up a lung is STILL sounding like a 3 pack a day smoker, and is probably going to have to visit the doctor, who will tell me that it’s a virus and he can’t have anything, so I will continue to dose him up with children’s Robitussin, which doesn’t work, except to make him drowsy. And at this point, I’ll take drowsy.

One thing though, that I’m wrestling with, and I’m sure you moms can help me out with this. If your kid is hacking up some serious lung butter, but doesn’t have any other symptoms (other than a stuffy nose), do you send him or her to school? He’s fine except he coughs CONSTANTLY. I would personally be ticked if a parent sent their kid to school sounding like this, but it’s a fine line. What do you think?

Guess what happens when you say “I haven’t gotten sick yet this year!”

April 10, 2008

That’s right! YOU GET SICK.

Although I haven’t gotten it as bad as Henry, who after a full week of coughing up a lung is STILL sounding like a 3 pack a day smoker, and is probably going to have to visit the doctor, who will tell me that it’s a virus and he can’t have anything, so I will continue to dose him up with children’s Robitussin, which doesn’t work, except to make him drowsy. And at this point, I’ll take drowsy.

One thing though, that I’m wrestling with, and I’m sure you moms can help me out with this. If your kid is hacking up some serious lung butter, but doesn’t have any other symptoms (other than a stuffy nose), do you send him or her to school? He’s fine except he coughs CONSTANTLY. I would personally be ticked if a parent sent their kid to school sounding like this, but it’s a fine line. What do you think?

Saturday musings

February 16, 2008

So I was thinking yesterday about why, exactly, it is that I don’t seem to have anybody I can just call up and shoot the breeze with. I don’t have any girlfriends to hang out with, nobody that I go to coffee with, or take walks with, or anything that I see all the other women of my age doing on a daily basis. There seems to be some kind of friend culture that I have been shut out of and I couldn’t figure out why, exactly.

I mean, it’s not because I’m not friendly, I’m not psycho. I’m a great listener; in fact, when people have a crisis I usually get to hear all about it. I’m encouraging, open, warm, all the things you would want in a friend. And yet, I don’t have anyone. Not one person.

I thought that I used to have a friend, until I finally figured out that she was just using me to complain about her husband. Did I waste so much energy on her that now I’m no good for anyone else?

I have to confess: I watch shows like “The L Word” and I’m horrifyingly jealous of the easy way they weave in and out of each other’s lives. I wish I had that. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is my husband, and while he’s a nice guy he is also so opposite of me in pretty much anything that it gets very tiresome, since he loves to debate and I do not (it’s an election year, and that’s all I’m going to say).

So what is it about me that says “don’t bother”? I’ve got a few theories. First, it’s because I’m about 100 pounds overweight. That’s the first time I’ve put that into writing. I am obese. Which leads me into my next theory – because of this fat, I am also tremendously introverted. People, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. I go out of my way to avoid having to talk to people, which, when you read what I already wrote about having no friends, is kind of a “duh” moment, but there it is. Last theory: I’ve got a tremendously obnoxious husband and a kid with special needs that take up a LOT of my energy, and so by the time I’m done with working 60 hours a week and dealing with the two of them, the thought of having to muster up some sparkling conversation quite honestly exhausts me.

So what’s a lonely girl to do? I don’t know. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, although I do have times (like last night) where I do. I’ve become a very solitary person, mostly because of the reasons I’ve mentioned. I know that getting this weight off will free me of a lot of stuff I’ve been hanging on to, it’s just a matter of sticking with something. Food is my drug, it’s my friendship that I don’t have.

Well, one thing at a time, I guess. This post won’t win any awards for being well-written, but it certainly helps to get stuff down on virtual paper.